Yesterday, the amazing Dalia led a new moon sound healing session.

As I sit here waiting for my coffee, I’m taking a moment to reflect on the emotions that transpired during that 2 hour journey.

This came on the back of a strong and emotionally charged one to one session with Dalia. She took me to a place of deep release. Pushing me down towards my deepest anxiety and allowing me to let go.

Yesterday I picked a card that said “You are good enough”. I nearly cried.

I wrote my intentions to release fear and welcome courage. To let go of that I have held onto for far too long and to welcome a new sense of identity.

I struggled in the session to deal with my ego. In the beginning I found myself forcing myself to feel something. Anything. But as it went on I realised that I just needed to let go of the fear of wanting something and to find the courage to just be.

It wasn’t an easy journey but as I sit here, I realise that rather than yesterday being a solution, it was a guide. A beautiful lesson on how I can embrace life with love and grace.

Because, I am good enough. I am worthy. I am courageous.

I want to release fear

I want to embrace my biggest self

I am good enough

I am love

I am worthy

I release all those who I have held onto for far too long

Version 4.1

Sitting here, looking over the UAE skyline, being here as I turn 41 has hit me differently. So much has changed and evolved in my life. A cacophony of emotions traverse and upend what my heart feels and what my head tells me I should be feeling.

I’m home but I know I’m not really home.

My home has now found residence within myself in what are exciting times. But if I was to be absolutely truthful, what I sometimes see inside of me has at times scared me.

I seek redemption in things I have no control over and that has proven to be a distraction. No, not a distraction but a comfort pill called dopamine. How can I be who I want to be; who I know I can be; who I deserve to be when I’m allowing myself to be this way?

I have been quite quick to boast about my growth but in reality I can be quite the hypocrite.

I should reset and embrace my ego and allow it to live with me as I understand that within myself I have the answers – even if the path is dark and unfamiliar.

The above may not suggest it but I do have a great sense of positivity about my life and what I am hoping to achieve. But my infallibility has also made me understand that sometimes we can’t always be the light. That sometimes the dark is ok to be embraced. And for a short while, when I need it to be, I have to allow myself not to be ok. Not always to be positive. Because when I see where I came from, where I realised where I lacked happiness – that place came from a place of immense darkness.

I am not going to claim that I am going to reset or this is the new me. Saying so would be a disservice to the person within me that has fought this hard to be where I am. This is more of a realisation that I know I have faltered and that’s ok. This is also a reminder to me now and my future self that I will continue to falter and that is ok too.

Here is to version 4.1

It will be hard but it will be absolutely epic too 🙂

I Lost

A friend once asked me how I deal with letting go. And more recently I have started working with a coach who questioned my lack of action as a means of dealing with my ego.

I studied and worked hard at becoming a better version of myself. I took so much pride in where I have come from that I failed to see that my pride was carrying my ego and my ego was slowly applying the brakes.

I have suddenly found that letting go isn’t as easy as I thought it would be or in the way I preach it as unsolicited advice.

I got so lost in my own success that my failures were treated as blimps rather than the red flag of distress of which my heart craved for me to hear.

Even hearing myself say this seems so hard to swallow. My fear of slipping back is no longer holding me back. Maybe it is the excuse my head is using to appease my heart.

Going back to CrossFit after nearly a 6 month break and learning everything from scratch seemed in the beginning such a refreshing and inspiring way of going forward. But I cannot lie, knowing that I am sometimes asked to scale back or being told that the movement I was so confident in, may need work, is starting to make me question my worthiness.

Being away from my comfort blanket of regular work was at a time the most liberating sensation. Now, all I crave is the familiarity of my past.

Where did the person who was so eager to start again disappear? Where did the strength I was developing by leaning into this discomfort go? When did my ego take residence again?

Where do I go from here? Upwards I hope. Back to feeling ok with starting over. Back to understanding that the adventures of the unknown will only make me better. My head and my heart may need to work more closely and take strength from one and find comfort in the other.

It may sound selfish but who is going to be the one for me but myself? Saying no and accepting my boundaries will be the one way that I can learn from this place of vulnerability.

Knowing that some days I will lose and that is ok. Because I know that there will be days when I will win as well.

What is my legacy?

I’m only 40 and soon to be 41 but I was reading about empires and how the author wrote that empires will eventually fall but they tend to leave behind rich and enduring legacies. The most poignant being the one created by the Romans. Their teachings, laws and culture still has an impact on our lives to this day.

I think we all have our own Empires. From the cubicle we occupy to the boardroom we built with our own hands. From a star journalist to a humble blogger. We carve our own niche, our own dreams, our own laws and make our very own empire. Some of us have thousands and thousands of followers (subjects) while others have their loyal clients and loved ones.

But in my own experience by letting go of a life I had become used to and complacent about, I have extinguished my own empire in the hopes of building my next one.

But what legacy have I left? Friends who are still in my heart but physically much much further away? Clients who will admire and use my work but ultimately use another photographer? Or the people’s images of which I captured and allowed them to see themselves in a whole new way? My legacy is knowing that I have given my love and joy to something I was good at. That was my legacy and that was my empire.

What will my next empire look like? I know what I would like it to look like but with any future legacy worthy rendition, I will have to adapt, adjust and force things to work. And then when this chapter shall also run its course, I will write about my empire and the legacy that I have left.

When Forever Is Not Forever

Letting go.

How many times have I written about it? Spoken about it? Worked on it? I’ve lost count and I will continue to do so because I will always underestimate how that can benefit our life, happiness and growth.

But what about when we are let go? When we no longer serve a purpose?

How do we dwell on it? Does being let go mean that we will not find letting go easier? Most likely not.

Does that mean we should keep holding on until we are ready to let go? Definitely not.

Nothing is forever. Yes I mean nothing. When we come down to the bare bones of it, and when all the dust has settled on our lives, can we truly say something has been forever?

I have a shifted mentality in my approach. In understanding that nothing is forever, I can attach a whole swath of gratitude to the different parts that make up my life. I can meet an amazing person one day and never hear from them again. I could be stuck in a work circle that does not give me pleasure.

But if we realise that nothing is forever, and taking my two examples; then when we meet that amazing person – we spend as much quality time with them as we can and for the latter, knowing that things will change and if we want it, for the better.

I know this can maybe sound negative but I think it can be such a positive and freeing mindset. If we know nothing is forever we can therefore meet each person and embrace each new opportunity with such vigour and heart because we know it may not last forever. And when we can do this, we can also accept that sometimes we are the ones who are being let go.

Because being let go can suck but also remember that for a while, you were allowed to hold on. You were allowed to embrace and nurture that moment and that feeling.

Yes, it is hard to let go, especially for something that brought us so much joy and happiness but by letting go, you are giving yourself the space and permission to embrace and love another moment of your life.

We are not the singularity of one moment but the sum of all the moments that we have experienced and continue to do so.

Consequential Emotions

I felt anger. I felt ashamed. I felt even more anger for feeling anger. How did I let anger get to me again?

How could I not?

I was taught a powerful message recently – it’s not the anger that we should be ashamed of, but what we do with it. This blew me away. I learnt this lesson over a month back and it still sits with me.

A friend told me that they were feeling antisocial. But that feeling of being antisocial helped them with their yoga as it made them turn inwards. Hearing them say this left me quite profound.

Think about it. Something which normal society has put a taboo on, is turned into a tool of self healing and self love.

I get so scared about some of my emotions that I feel disappointed with myself. I feel quite low. But understanding and learning how these feelings can be used for something so positive and loving is absolutely incredible to me.

Our emotions are not inconsequential. They are what we have been built on and nurtured with. They are as much as part of our lives as the people we meet and places we visit.

So I invite you to sit with an emotion. Maybe an emotion that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Understand it.
Feel it.
Love it.

Do you still feel as uncomfortable as you did before? Even if that shift is only fleeting, trust that your emotions are not inconsequential.

Your emotions are the pathways to your own joy. Your own love.

Our Boundaries Are A Law Unto Ourselves.

My recent journey about understanding manifestations led me to understand more about my boundaries. My manifestation, or choice, was to step out of my comfort zone of saying yes all the time and saying no more often. It was in a nutshell, asking me to enforce my own boundaries without fearing what others may think. Without overthinking and without judgement.

I have taken great pride in tooting my own horn about how much I have changed since 2019. I became complacent that I had done enough to build a shield around myself to negativity and opening the door to happiness.

I was naive.

I had let ego play a role in my life again. I let things that I had released for my life come back, either by invitation or just failing to say no.

At first I was confused. I was helpless. I was angry. I then kept getting angry at myself for feeling this way and these feelings just kept cycling through. My anger left no room for love. To love myself more than anything else. I forgot the only way to love others wholly and unconditionally was to leave space for myself. To respect my boundaries. My boundaries needed to be treated like my very own law system.

This may sound harsh and perhaps even aggressive but I think if the right balance is struck and using this thinking in the short term may allow myself to find the capacity to love and forgive.

Having the ability to find our own space is quite crucial in finding peace and happiness. Through happiness we can also find love. Also, since when has too much happiness been a bad thing?

Perhaps we don’t feel that we deserve happiness. That we don’t deserve love. When we find it, we get scared and hide behind fear. We sometimes don’t have the courage to love it back. To nurture it. To understand it.

There really is no right answer, but there is always the right answer for ourselves. Answers that fit into what we feel are boundaries that are so strong that they are a law unto themselves