I Lost
A friend once asked me how I deal with letting go. And more recently I have started working with a coach who questioned my lack of action as a means of dealing with my ego.
I studied and worked hard at becoming a better version of myself. I took so much pride in where I have come from that I failed to see that my pride was carrying my ego and my ego was slowly applying the brakes.
I have suddenly found that letting go isn’t as easy as I thought it would be or in the way I preach it as unsolicited advice.
I got so lost in my own success that my failures were treated as blimps rather than the red flag of distress of which my heart craved for me to hear.
Even hearing myself say this seems so hard to swallow. My fear of slipping back is no longer holding me back. Maybe it is the excuse my head is using to appease my heart.
Going back to CrossFit after nearly a 6 month break and learning everything from scratch seemed in the beginning such a refreshing and inspiring way of going forward. But I cannot lie, knowing that I am sometimes asked to scale back or being told that the movement I was so confident in, may need work, is starting to make me question my worthiness.
Being away from my comfort blanket of regular work was at a time the most liberating sensation. Now, all I crave is the familiarity of my past.
Where did the person who was so eager to start again disappear? Where did the strength I was developing by leaning into this discomfort go? When did my ego take residence again?
Where do I go from here? Upwards I hope. Back to feeling ok with starting over. Back to understanding that the adventures of the unknown will only make me better. My head and my heart may need to work more closely and take strength from one and find comfort in the other.
It may sound selfish but who is going to be the one for me but myself? Saying no and accepting my boundaries will be the one way that I can learn from this place of vulnerability.
Knowing that some days I will lose and that is ok. Because I know that there will be days when I will win as well.
