Version 4.1
Sitting here, looking over the UAE skyline, being here as I turn 41 has hit me differently. So much has changed and evolved in my life. A cacophony of emotions traverse and upend what my heart feels and what my head tells me I should be feeling.
I’m home but I know I’m not really home.
My home has now found residence within myself in what are exciting times. But if I was to be absolutely truthful, what I sometimes see inside of me has at times scared me.
I seek redemption in things I have no control over and that has proven to be a distraction. No, not a distraction but a comfort pill called dopamine. How can I be who I want to be; who I know I can be; who I deserve to be when I’m allowing myself to be this way?
I have been quite quick to boast about my growth but in reality I can be quite the hypocrite.
I should reset and embrace my ego and allow it to live with me as I understand that within myself I have the answers – even if the path is dark and unfamiliar.
The above may not suggest it but I do have a great sense of positivity about my life and what I am hoping to achieve. But my infallibility has also made me understand that sometimes we can’t always be the light. That sometimes the dark is ok to be embraced. And for a short while, when I need it to be, I have to allow myself not to be ok. Not always to be positive. Because when I see where I came from, where I realised where I lacked happiness – that place came from a place of immense darkness.
I am not going to claim that I am going to reset or this is the new me. Saying so would be a disservice to the person within me that has fought this hard to be where I am. This is more of a realisation that I know I have faltered and that’s ok. This is also a reminder to me now and my future self that I will continue to falter and that is ok too.
Here is to version 4.1
It will be hard but it will be absolutely epic too 🙂
