These past few months have had processes of letting go by reconnecting. By being true to my new self. Or the self that is looking to grow.
But this growth is being fought off by ego. My ego which I have realised has become a tool of my forced misunderstanding by the ones I loved and have opened up to.
In my vulnerability, I have opened and shared my own weaknesses and flaws. I am trying more and more to fix those because it leads to a greater path of self-love.
But there are those who, having seen my vulnerable side, taken the focus on my flaws as a sense that I am no better than my past.
My ego is the enemy. I am my own worst enemy.
And then there are those in my life that remind me of my flaws. My past. Holding me back in the quicksand of what was.
I am standardised against moments I have no control over. To be pushed down and then lifted out again. It’s exhausting.
There is truth that I am my own self accuser but I also know that one can choose a path of joy or pain. Even in those darkest of moments, we can be our own light.
I can read all the books.
Listen to all the podcasts
Connect with all my teachers.
But I am me.
A constant changing, pain feeling human that like the rest of us, is trying to change. Trying to grow and trying to be better.
My past is something I am not entirely proud of. But I am also equally proud of who that person was to make me who I am today.
I am absolutely fucking proud of who I am.
The hero side of me (another word for ego?) thinks that I may be scaring those who see that change. That the person who I was was more amicable or comfortable to deal with.
Maybe the new me is harder to deal with because as open as I am, I am going to guard my inner sanctuary with my life.
My vulnerability is my joy. My happiness. My love for myself.
