I’m not sure if I’m capable of really writing this so please bear with me.
Over the last 3 years I have come to realise that my unflinching loyalty towards my parents has been a very much one way street. The decisions I made based on their happiness led me to abandon some dreams and dare I say some principles.
My father would face struggles in his life and my help, advice or even acknowledgment went largely ignored.
By the middle of 2020 I had fully accepted this pain and the healing had begun. This hurt became a big part of the foundation of my therapy and subsequent healing. It helped me to understand boundaries, to being able to say no and most importantly – to let go.
Do I wish I had realised this earlier? Of course I do. But regrets and should haves would be a disservice to the life I led, leading and have already lived.
Late last year after hiding this pain from them, I finally came clean and told them as much as I could. It came in a spittle of tears and anger and it was not the articulated speech that I hoped it would be. The outcome was disappointingly as expected with their heads buried in the sand. That conversation, opening of my heart and vulnerability has on the face of it gone largely unchecked.
This isn’t the part that I’m struggling to write. This was the easy part. What comes next is about to leave me truly exposed.
During my healing and understanding just how much I was excluded, I also had an epiphany about how others in society must be thinking about me. That despite my father’s struggles, I, as his eldest son, is completely oblivious. And I realised how embarrassed and unworthy I felt. That whenever anyone asked me how my father is, I had to lie or feign ignorance. I was still unable to be authentic.
My most recent breakthrough came to me realising that the way my father treated me is the way I have treated others. I have unwittingly pushed away those closest to me when it came to expressing what I was going through. That I was unable to speak openly about not just my difficulties but also about my successes. And I know this has really had an impact on the people who love me.
Understanding this hurts because I am feeling this pain through the pain I am healing myself from.
To know that some of the people closest to me were ignored and being excluded has left me with a profound heaviness that now needs to be lifted and worked through.
Despite the struggle of writing this, I am also aware of the love that fills me everyday. This love is not only helping me understand this burden but to also work through it.
I know I can’t, nor do I want to change the past but I can now use this love to find the path that will lead me to a place of light and understanding about myself and those who fill the space in my heart. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and authentic will help me be me and not who I was subjected to.
This breakthrough has been hard.
Writing this has been difficult.
But, I do feel at ease. At one knowing that ultimately this is the true path to love ❤️
