Life has been kicking my ass since October 2023 and I for once in my life welcomed it. I embraced and made myself stronger, wiser and loved myself with an intensity like no other.
Then February 5th came around and I could no longer take it. My mind was racing back to 2020 and I found myself to be anxious, depressed, feeling unworthy and starting to play the victim card again.
I became lazy and complacent and despite the predicament of what life has me in, I found myself wanting.
My aspirations and dreams that I had so boldly fixated on. So courageously hung onto, was slipping away. And the more it did, the more I slipped back into an empty shell of someone who did not feel like existing anymore.
I joined a men’s (support) group 2 weeks ago and I found myself in the company of men who had the same problems as me. Had the same feelings and we were all looking to be heard and to find answers. Despite finding myself way out of my comfort zone, it was one of the most humbling experiences I have encountered. To see and to be felt in that energy was unlike anything I have known.
Just like my mind was wandering back to 2020, so did my heart. It reminded me of the work I have done on myself. How far I have come. It loved me and told me that even though I do feel the way I do at the moment, I have the strength and wisdom to grow from this too.
Because that is it sometimes. Life and the universe work in ways beyond our comprehension. Sometimes it works in a place of love and joy and in others it takes us to a place of pain and grief. But that is all ok. This too shall pass and what may seem inevitable now will seem like a dream tomorrow.
Letting go of the things that no longer serve and welcoming in abundance with gratitude is my prescription. And yes, writing it here is far harder than doing it but this is a start.
Someone once asked me why I shared these feelings on such a public platform. It was a great question and it took me a while to find the right answer.
I think there is a side of me that struggles to convey without disconnecting. To maybe even take this opportunity to send out a message to the universe or connect with someone who may need to hear this or is offering me their own ear.
This is my understanding and gratitude for what I have, what I have lost and for what I am now welcoming into my heart and into my life.
