For the past 10 days I have been sitting in a place of anger, anxiety and overthinking. I felt shame and disappointment. I thought it would pass. That I knew what I was doing.
I was so wrong.
I came back to Dubai at the end of last year and despite all the challenges that I faced in the UK, I felt like I was in an amazing space. I was happy, confident and despite everything, I was very satisfied. I knew life was kicking my ass and I was in a space where I welcomed it.
For the most part I just wanted my anger to leave me. To forget the pain that it was causing. Yearning to pull on a switch that would delete the words and actions that came associated with it.
I wanted my ego to be told that it is ok. Everything is ok.
But it wasn’t ok. The damage was done.
I know a lot of my anger comes from a place of feeling like I’m not being heard. Maybe that is why when I’m interrupted I feel agitated and become quiet. I start to feel unworthy.
There are many things that I am proud of and I need that to be heard as well. Although to some it may not seem so, I have found myself regulating my anger more. It does sometimes come off as me being quiet but there is an internal dialogue that I know needs to be kept, held space for and released when it feels right.
In the beginning of my self work of anger, I remember being told that we hurt the ones we love the most. I was reminded again of it more recently. This may be my ego talking but I could hear my anger not from a place of pain but from a place of war. A battle to keep what I felt I was losing. But by not really understanding my anger I now know that I’m losing myself. That I was only serving everyone else but myself. I found myself worrying about what others may think of what I had to say.
But I needed to hear myself in whatever way I needed it to be. Because I have been taught and have realised that my current form of anger is in a way coming from a place of love. A place where I need to hear myself and understand my pains and my worries.
To not run away.
So I want to take this opportunity to talk to myself and tell myself that I am being heard. That I am loved and that I am worthy.
