Grief
One of the key foundations of my family’s religion is that they recognise and remember the martyrdom of Husein (the grandson of the Prophet Mohammed). The main way of marking this occasion is with 9 days of sermons during the first 10 days of the Islamic New Year. The head of our community decides where he himself will mark these days and every year a few cities bid for the chance and this year Dubai was one of those cities.
Dubai was declared as the host city on June 27th and on June 29th I found myself in Dubai.
My volunteer work for my community has been to handle the transport and logistics side of events (local or international based) and I have had the privilege of being part of this amazing team for the past 20 years. However, with my current life path, I knew that this was going to be the last time that I would be as actively involved in this work as I had been.
There are also personal and spiritual reasons for me taking a step back but that is a topic for another day. Suffice to say, I had mentally prepared myself going into this knowing that this would be the end of an amazing 20 year journey.
The event officially ended on July 27th and I could not be more proud of my team and the task we had achieved.
The following week I recognised depression and anxiety within myself. Something nearly acute to what I had experienced in 2019 and this time I could not understand where it was coming from. My mental preparation for this moment should have meant that I was ok in this position. But I wasn’t.
That week, I met with a healer and she shared a piece of wisdom with me that brought everything home to me.
I was grieving.
But how? How can I be grieving when I knew and expected this to happen?
She told me that even when we end something we know needs to be ended, we still need to grieve the loss of this element in our lives. It made so much sense. I had lost something quite significant in my life (by choice and by design) but that still didn’t discount how much it had an impact on me.
It has been nearly 2 months since the event ended and I have only found the capacity to express myself here.
There were times when I would sit in front of my keyboard and want to write what I’m writing here but could not find the courage to do so. And there were even moments when I lacked self compassion in not being able to do so.
One of my teachers told me that you will express what you need to express when you are ready to do so – and not a moment sooner.
This grief has also found myself in a place of shame. Shame in my current life. Where I feel that I’m a ship without a rudder. The waters may not be rough but the journey is without a compass.
I know that this has also found disappointment among those that love(d) me and as much I want to find reasoning in my growth to not be at fault, the record speaks for itself.
Another hard lesson that I am also learning is that my quest to be ok with myself has made me lose focus on the care the people whom I cherish deserve.
I’ve lived with a sense that those who are truly meant for me will be a part of me no matter how succinct my communication can be. And I know that those people will still be a part of my life. Part of my inner tribe. However I can’t expect everyone in my life to be ok with this or be compatible with it. That would be an extremely selfish way to tackle life.
Yes I have patted myself on the back with being ok by myself but such an achievement also demands a balance. That I need to be more engaging with those whom I cherish.
Some of the grief that I feel is for people and relationships that have ended. Relationships that required my attention and not just my candour. Just as loving myself takes effort, so does loving others – regardless of the capacity.
I know some relationships may be beyond repair and I wish they weren’t but I can honour those and myself in finding more capacity for the relationships that I am still lucky and blessed to have.
Grieving has been hard but it has also found this place of kindness where I have been able to start healing. Healing now also means understanding more about myself, my goals, my aspirations and my relationships.
It has also led me to a new place of learning about letting go but also holding on. Not from a place of desperation but from a place of nurture and love.
