Am I Good Enough?
I woke up this morning. Your faces in my dream. So fleetingly close. Yet so painfully far away. It felt right to let go. But it still hurts. The worth you forgot to assign me has left me unarmoured and vulnerable.
You broke my heart. You left my soul withered and unnurtured. I felt lost. I feel lost. I feel cheated and I feel used.
Everytime I start a journey, I realise that I have boarded the wrong plane. But you know what I have come to realise? I am a plane. I am a ship. I am a journey. I am light. I am love. I am peace. I am joy. I am happiness.
For you have let go of me. But maybe you never had me. Was it because I was not good enough? Was the worth of my soul less valuable than the balance in my bank account? My god, this hurts to write and to read. It feels like having to cut off my finger to save my hand. Dramatic as that may sound, it is my self-rescue. My faith being born. Not a new faith but one that was kept hidden and suppressed for far too long. But I know how lucky I am that I get to finally see it, embrace it and feel its love.
There is anger at feeling life’s loss but I do not know who this anger is meant for. For me? For you? Is this even anger? You said it was so. You said it because maybe you didn’t have the courage to say I was not good enough. I will never be good enough for you.
Thank you for this lesson on worth. Thank you for inadvertently pushing me to be understanding that just because you do not see my worth, there is one person that always will. That person is me.
I want to now spend every waking second loving myself. Filling my cup. Never allow myself to forget this lesson. This lesson on love. On joy. On pain. On happiness.
I love you. I know I am not good enough for you but I am good enough for me. For that lesson I will always have gratitude and love for your distance.
