Luck Has Got Everything To Do With It

I'm one of a minority who gets to say that they live to do what they do. And I say this from a place of privilege. I've had an incredibly lucky life, and the fact that I get to do what I love so much is the ultimate blessing.

But I've also been staring this gift horse in the mouth. As I wrote in my earlier post on wanting to fail, I've watched this blessing slowly slipping away. I could sit here and blame the economy, politics, cheaper competition — but the fact remains that I have not done enough with what I have.

Regular clients have slipped away. Brand deals aren't what they used to be.

I've been meaning to post more videos on mindful photography. I contemplated writing a book, even made a half-hearted plan for it. But these things haven't materialised. And none of it can be pinned on anything external. It's just been a fistful of weak excuses.

I've always had an adverse reaction to sales, and that shows — or rather, doesn't show — in my attempts to reach out to the leads sent my way or the ones I've stumbled across.

Why? Well, I'm scared. Partly scared they'll reject me. But I think I'm even more scared they'll say yes, and that I'll have to deliver. That petrifies me. And it's kept me exactly where it's comfortable.

Around two years ago there was an Instagram reel going around with a quote that stopped me:

"The magic you seek is in the work you're avoiding."

That hit me then. It's hitting me again writing this now. Knowing I'm avoiding the very thing that would get me out of my comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. Pun intended.

I've sought help — friends, mentors, even professionals. And still I feel stuck. Even with all those hands held out to me, I've found myself unable to reach for them.

The magic is in the work I'm avoiding. I know this. I've known it for two years, since that reel.

And still I don't send the email. Still I let the lead go cold. Still I choose the comfort of the rut over the terror of being taken up on my own offer.

I don't have a neat ending for you. I'm not going to pretend I woke up this morning and reached for the phone. That would be a lie, and this whole piece is about not lying to myself anymore.

So this is where I am. Knowing exactly what the work is. And not yet doing it.