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Embracing Silence, Nurturing Connection

Over the past few years, I’ve held onto the values of being heard and truly listening, shaped by a history of feeling unheard within my family’s sanctuary. When interruptions loom, I’ve often sought refuge in silence—a seemingly safer retreat than risking an unhealthy and unregulated reaction.

Recently, someone gently pointed out that, while I advocate for being heard, I sometimes miss the impact of my own words. Their words encouraged me to embrace mindfulness in how I expressed, a key to my ongoing journey of acceptance.

In a recent brotherhood session, a member shared the joy of active listening, emphasising that silence itself can hold profound responses. These conversations have prompted a subtle shift within me. I’ve become more cautious, recognizing my tendency to swiftly respond with my own experiences—a habit rooted in ego.

Meditation, once a space for contemplation, has evolved into a practice of self-listening, helping me be mindful of how I express myself.

In a recent talk about boundaries, I noticed my reflex to interject with personal stories. However, amidst this, I made a conscious effort to transition from asserting knowledge to simply listening.

This realisation comes from a place of fresh learning, acknowledging both my potential for growth and the areas where I fall short. As a gentle reminder, it’s not just about the words spoken but the actions taken.

Thank you for sharing your time with these reflections. 🤍

Life has been kicking my ass since October 2023 and I for once in my life welcomed it. I embraced and made myself stronger, wiser and loved myself with an intensity like no other.

Then February 5th came around and I could no longer take it. My mind was racing back to 2020 and I found myself to be anxious, depressed, feeling unworthy and starting to play the victim card again.

I became lazy and complacent and despite the predicament of what life has me in, I found myself wanting.

My aspirations and dreams that I had so boldly fixated on. So courageously hung onto, was slipping away. And the more it did, the more I slipped back into an empty shell of someone who did not feel like existing anymore.

I joined a men’s (support) group 2 weeks ago and I found myself in the company of men who had the same problems as me. Had the same feelings and we were all looking to be heard and to find answers. Despite finding myself way out of my comfort zone, it was one of the most humbling experiences I have encountered. To see and to be felt in that energy was unlike anything I have known.

Just like my mind was wandering back to 2020, so did my heart. It reminded me of the work I have done on myself. How far I have come. It loved me and told me that even though I do feel the way I do at the moment, I have the strength and wisdom to grow from this too.

Because that is it sometimes. Life and the universe work in ways beyond our comprehension. Sometimes it works in a place of love and joy and in others it takes us to a place of pain and grief. But that is all ok. This too shall pass and what may seem inevitable now will seem like a dream tomorrow.

Letting go of the things that no longer serve and welcoming in abundance with gratitude is my prescription. And yes, writing it here is far harder than doing it but this is a start.

Someone once asked me why I shared these feelings on such a public platform. It was a great question and it took me a while to find the right answer.

I think there is a side of me that struggles to convey without disconnecting. To maybe even take this opportunity to send out a message to the universe or connect with someone who may need to hear this or is offering me their own ear.

This is my understanding and gratitude for what I have, what I have lost and for what I am now welcoming into my heart and into my life.

For the past 10 days I have been sitting in a place of anger, anxiety and overthinking. I felt shame and disappointment. I thought it would pass. That I knew what I was doing.

I was so wrong.

I came back to Dubai at the end of last year and despite all the challenges that I faced in the UK, I felt like I was in an amazing space. I was happy, confident and despite everything, I was very satisfied. I knew life was kicking my ass and I was in a space where I welcomed it.

For the most part I just wanted my anger to leave me. To forget the pain that it was causing. Yearning to pull on a switch that would delete the words and actions that came associated with it.

I wanted my ego to be told that it is ok. Everything is ok.

But it wasn’t ok. The damage was done.

I know a lot of my anger comes from a place of feeling like I’m not being heard. Maybe that is why when I’m interrupted I feel agitated and become quiet. I start to feel unworthy.

There are many things that I am proud of and I need that to be heard as well. Although to some it may not seem so, I have found myself regulating my anger more. It does sometimes come off as me being quiet but there is an internal dialogue that I know needs to be kept, held space for and released when it feels right.

In the beginning of my self work of anger, I remember being told that we hurt the ones we love the most. I was reminded again of it more recently. This may be my ego talking but I could hear my anger not from a place of pain but from a place of war. A battle to keep what I felt I was losing. But by not really understanding my anger I now know that I’m losing myself. That I was only serving everyone else but myself. I found myself worrying about what others may think of what I had to say.

But I needed to hear myself in whatever way I needed it to be. Because I have been taught and have realised that my current form of anger is in a way coming from a place of love. A place where I need to hear myself and understand my pains and my worries.

To not run away.

So I want to take this opportunity to talk to myself and tell myself that I am being heard. That I am loved and that I am worthy.

Unto thyself

Recently I found myself attached to a media team to cover an event, and for the first time in a long time, I walked away from a photography opportunity that I did not want to come back to. Throughout the post event processing, I have been grappling on how to articulate why I felt this way.

The rough description is that I felt un-welcomed and that I was part of the ‘them’ group as opposed to the ‘us’ group. As if I was not cool enough to be with the premium media team. That my talents or skills were not good enough.

I think the part that hurt the most was when I was told that since they will not be posting any of my stuff I do not need to airdrop it to them and (I guess they were trying to be nice?) that I had carte blanche over whatever pictures I wanted to take. Just writing this makes me want to delete all the pictures I took just out of spite. But I know it is just ego talking.

Yes, ego is here again.

I also saw other members of that team who were perpetually given all the important aspects of the job and for some of them, they held onto that role tightly and from my perspective, I could see them breaking if they lost it.

As much as that experience hurt a bit, I also learnt something about it within myself.

I learnt that at times I enjoyed being part of the ‘in’ crowd and was at times (consciously and subconsciously) protective about that space and who shared it with me. In a nutshell, I was being the ‘us’ which led to me placing others into them.

When I was doing CrossFit classes in Dubai, I remember consciously being more interactive with new members because I did not want them to feel left out like I had felt in similar situations in the past.

I know this thinking has also translated into my photography work where I am much more open about how I obtain work, how I capture images, etc. Ultimately I know that there is more cosmic good in being this way as opposed to the short term vision of losing out by helping others.

There is some bitterness in me and a sense of being done wrong but I also know that that is another reflection on me. That the emotions I experienced at this event were also a reflection on me. A sign and understanding that I need to work on myself.

So despite my current feelings I am grateful for being humbled and accepting a chance to further work on myself. A chance to be better. A chance to grow. A chance to love.

Grief

One of the key foundations of my family’s religion is that they recognise and remember the martyrdom of Husein (the grandson of the Prophet Mohammed). The main way of marking this occasion is with 9 days of sermons during the first 10 days of the Islamic New Year. The head of our community decides where he himself will mark these days and every year a few cities bid for the chance and this year Dubai was one of those cities.

Dubai was declared as the host city on June 27th and on June 29th I found myself in Dubai.
My volunteer work for my community has been to handle the transport and logistics side of events (local or international based) and I have had the privilege of being part of this amazing team for the past 20 years. However, with my current life path, I knew that this was going to be the last time that I would be as actively involved in this work as I had been.

There are also personal and spiritual reasons for me taking a step back but that is a topic for another day. Suffice to say, I had mentally prepared myself going into this knowing that this would be the end of an amazing 20 year journey.

The event officially ended on July 27th and I could not be more proud of my team and the task we had achieved.

The following week I recognised depression and anxiety within myself. Something nearly acute to what I had experienced in 2019 and this time I could not understand where it was coming from. My mental preparation for this moment should have meant that I was ok in this position. But I wasn’t.

That week, I met with a healer and she shared a piece of wisdom with me that brought everything home to me.

I was grieving.

But how? How can I be grieving when I knew and expected this to happen?

She told me that even when we end something we know needs to be ended, we still need to grieve the loss of this element in our lives. It made so much sense. I had lost something quite significant in my life (by choice and by design) but that still didn’t discount how much it had an impact on me.

It has been nearly 2 months since the event ended and I have only found the capacity to express myself here.

There were times when I would sit in front of my keyboard and want to write what I’m writing here but could not find the courage to do so. And there were even moments when I lacked self compassion in not being able to do so.

One of my teachers told me that you will express what you need to express when you are ready to do so – and not a moment sooner.

This grief has also found myself in a place of shame. Shame in my current life. Where I feel that I’m a ship without a rudder. The waters may not be rough but the journey is without a compass.

I know that this has also found disappointment among those that love(d) me and as much I want to find reasoning in my growth to not be at fault, the record speaks for itself.

Another hard lesson that I am also learning is that my quest to be ok with myself has made me lose focus on the care the people whom I cherish deserve.

I’ve lived with a sense that those who are truly meant for me will be a part of me no matter how succinct my communication can be. And I know that those people will still be a part of my life. Part of my inner tribe. However I can’t expect everyone in my life to be ok with this or be compatible with it. That would be an extremely selfish way to tackle life.

Yes I have patted myself on the back with being ok by myself but such an achievement also demands a balance. That I need to be more engaging with those whom I cherish.

Some of the grief that I feel is for people and relationships that have ended. Relationships that required my attention and not just my candour. Just as loving myself takes effort, so does loving others – regardless of the capacity.

I know some relationships may be beyond repair and I wish they weren’t but I can honour those and myself in finding more capacity for the relationships that I am still lucky and blessed to have.

Grieving has been hard but it has also found this place of kindness where I have been able to start healing. Healing now also means understanding more about myself, my goals, my aspirations and my relationships.

It has also led me to a new place of learning about letting go but also holding on. Not from a place of desperation but from a place of nurture and love.

Unwanted

My recent work in Dubai has made me feel a little bit unwanted. A little bit stuck. And quite a bit anxious.

Compounded by the lack of free time and the inability to hold space and time for those I love the most has made me feel fearful of losing them.

My anxiety found company with my ego. An ego that feels jaded and frustrated when not called upon to step up. When feeling left out of the loop and in the dark.

Why am I finding it hard to let go? Why am I suddenly so overwhelmed with the desire to be needed and thinking I am not enough.

I see myself from the outside in. I see someone who is angry, impatient and lacking compassion. For myself and for those around me.

I sense judgment and I seem to find an escape in judging others. I feel so ashamed admitting this. It wasn’t meant to be. I was meant to be stronger and better than this.

I don’t know how I got here and I am slightly struggling to find my way back.

This lack of being wanted and knowing that my tribe feels ignored is fostering a greater sense of anxiety.

I’m finding it hard to hold space for myself. Where there is no space, how can I find a place to hold love for myself? To feel that I am enough. That me loving myself is enough

Over the last few weeks I have felt my power waning. The power to overcome, simulate and engage. I feel that I am turning inwards, that my consciousness is asking me to retreat; to be more defensive.

I’m a little bit scared about being vulnerable.

Emotions of being lonely, being judged and not being enough are creeping up and there is a conflict between allowing these emotions to wash over me or attempting to resist them. It’s hard to understand what I need.

Being away from the support system I had built in Dubai has also left me with a sense of uncertainty and I’m unsure where I want to go or need to be. Being away from that sphere of healing has also further pushed me into retreating within myself.

But being here, within myself, has also been more accepting of emotions I am finding hard to navigate but I am also realising that the one person who I need more than anyone else, is myself.

Self-love in this space of being alone and creeping loneliness will be more contrite but I also firmly believe that it will find me in a place of more self-understanding and care.

I pray that it does.